Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

As I entered my front door this late afternoon I felt somewhat down. It's been a while since I felt like this. Couldn't be the weather, because somebody reminded me recently that above the rainy clouds the sky is always blue or filled with sparkling stars. Flying just there in a Ryan Air bird some weeks ago I really felt that these words would stick this time. So, no. It wasn't the weather.   

Took off my coat, boots and scarf and went to the bathroom, where I dropped myself in front of the mirror. I've often found myself out here through the last weeks. Looking into my own eyes, chatting a bit. Today I asked the eyes; " What's wrong, you?" They looked a little tired but I also think I caught a sign of anxiety or disappointment. 

They had nothing to say to me. 

But I felt ugly. Dirty. Unattractive. That I knew. 

So I decided to take a long shower. Wash off the bad feelings. I undressed in a very slow and comforting way. Looking at my beautiful shoulders, letting the clothes slide over my soft, pale skin, feeling the black fabric letting go as layers of darkness. The water was getting ready for me. I was absolutely ready for it. 

As the drops fell on my body I knew I had to prepare myself for someone. As if an attractive guy was waiting in my bedroom. So I shaved. Leaving just a small, trimmed triangle above the venus. Soap. Scrub. Rinse... And then just a few moments of nothingness. Kind of like staring into a bonfire. 

Big towels everywhere. I'm in my room. In front of a bigger mirror. He is lying on my bed. Looking a me getting dressed. Tonight I wear stockings and a skirt. My red thing in memory of Valencia. And warm knitted slippers to break the image. Brushing my hair I begin to pose for him. Feeling better. Feeling like a woman. I undress again and look at my nakedness. Some years ago I was a teenager. Then I were a fitness/wrestling tough one. Then a slim, non-eating singing girl. Again some time where I wasn't aware of having a body.

This is the first time I see myself as a woman. 

Meanwhile I've realised why my mood was down. I'm afraid of being too lucky. I'm sort of thinking; if everything in my life works out so smoothly now, I will end up dying from some terrible illness before I'm forty. As if there were a limited amount of luck in life. It's stupid and I know that nobody is watching, calculating or keeping account of how I'm doing in life. Of course I know. It's just... hard to believe that I can do all this by myself. 

I've always wanted someone to watch over me. As a young girl I blamed God (he existed then) for making the wind too hard, when I was bicycling. Still, when I'm in a dilemma, I wish that somebody has the answers. One who can see into the future and tell me what the best move would be. 

So now, being single for the first time in my life (it feels like that) I'm doing all this without anybody helping me, and I just can't believe it. It might take me a while to grasp. 

A woman. Oh my. :)

Rebecca