Will I feel like making sand drawings with the right soundtrack?
Will I have the same appetite for strangers?
For travelling?
Will I smile and make jokes about myself when nobody is around?
Will I prioritize writing above washing the dishes?
Even on the fourth day?
Will I feel as if I'm inventing my own life?
And take credit for that?
Will I feel this free?
This childish?
This curious?
And this attractive?
Sexy?
And sensual?
Will I do what I want to do whenever the time is right and will the time ever be right then?
He got me thinking.
I almost made a contract with myself some weeks ago. That I didn't want to be in a relationship for a while.
I should have done it.
Then these thoughts wouldn't haunt me.
I could still make the contract.
But he got me thinking.
Am I desperately in a subconscious level attracting wonderful guys towards me? Guys that are boyfriend subjects? Am I this afraid of being alone even though I don't feel it?
Or is it the habit of being in a relationship that just leads me into this situation?
Can you believe it?
I feel difficult today. I want to fight! Throw myself on the floor and bring someone down there with me. Tear the clothes, mount the person and shout directly in the face. No words. Pure frustration.
It's a fucking game.
Yeah!
Who wants to fight!?
Rebecca
5 comments:
Hey Rebecca,
Came across your blog from google going through different keywords, writing an article about different ways of viewing democracy. Go figure...
Life is myrade of all sorts of encounters. Understanding your subconscience gradually increases the older you get. Merely understanding the basic treats of it, the basic needs, desires and actions of ones self.
I claim not to have any answers, but to try and understand yourself you need to free yourself from your own situation. Use your options and access the doors you see. If I am not making any sence I do understand. There is no easy way out and no easy way in - even if that is what we desire in general.
peace
morsi
I sense you are moving in two different directions. One is time, the other is emotion. With the personality you are writing about and assuming you are absolutely free in your writings here, you might be in a period of transition. Although some things remain 'unclear', several things point to this. The increased awareness about yourself, the stronger sexual urge, the longing to reach out and scream for change. You need to be challenged at the same time understanding patience - really understanding it. That is where time is important. Once you start to feel your own conception of time, you will know its limitation and most importantly capabilities. You own capabilities. Whether it being daily practicalities, prioritising ambition or passion and still moving forward. To explain what I wrote briefly is let go of yourself. Even the thoughts you have outlined here on your blog. Don't think, just feel and trust your own answers. The more questions you ask yourself on a consious level, the more you have to answer - on that level. However you have probably already come across an answer subconsiencely, yet you are not sure whether or not to trust it.
I am off course just assuming all the above as I do not know you in persona. However in the end, it is trusting yourself and acting yourself and not being afraid of letting go. what exactly you need to do I can not say. How could I?
I hope to have clarified my initial reply.
I am still working and the article is about to explode inside me now!
Instead of coming out it has mounted in doing all sorts of other things that is not a priority, such as creating a blog here and writing silly poetry and going for a bicycle ride in the middle of the night, freezing my ass of, stopping at a 'bodega', drinking elephant beers and waking up today with somewhat of a hangover and the reminanse of a conversation about something rather tedious... Well the usual topic when I guy looking like me walks into a Danish bar and asks for a beer.
Rebecca - can I presume your life has been good sofar? :)
peace
morsi
Hi morsi!
I think I understand your response better now. And I appreciate your comments a lot. As always when I conversate about abstract things like this I seem to wish for more concrete examples. But I get your point.
Let yourself go...
It's a very fascinating sentence.
Is it similar to:
Carpe diem?
Live in the moment?
I am sorry about your experience in the "bodega". Denmark is a very small country in many ways. Can I ask why you live here?
You can presume my life has been good, yes. And how is yours?
Rebecca
Hi Rebecca,
First of all, you shouldn't be sorry for someone else and his behaviour. I think you agree on this.
I do appreciate the thought, thxs!
Racism is an ugly thing and often shows its face when you least expect or want it..
I enjoy my life in Denmark. It has unspoken opportunities and I guess that is 'why' I live here. If I could choose that one choice, I would be somewhere else. Yet it is not really a choice.
Listen, you are welcome to email me and I will answer your questions. I hope you understand I don't feel like posting them here. You will find it on my webpage, either on the scrolling bar on the front or in the contacts section through the gallery link. I apologise. The site is a mess at the moment and I had a complete wipe of all server data on mindzoom.dk yesterday, so I have been uploading work all day.
Rebecca, my life is good. It is very very good. It used to be a lot harder and I can thank my father for taking an adventure many years ago, that gave me entirely different possibilities than what I would have had in Egypt.
I also speak fluent danish. As yourself, most of my writing is english though. Except for the papers.
"Don't think, just feel and trust your own answers" is the same as saying trust yourself and trust what you tell yourself. If you don't let go, you would usually fail on the latest. You would not follow what you have told yourself. Everyone else, slightly intelligent, will also pick up this inner doubt and he or she will take this to their own advantage.
You can think about that.
Maybe you don't agree, maybe you do?
I am glad you find my comments useful and not to obscure. I do enjoy reading your stories and have read all of them except for the latest couple.
You have an interesting way of expression, walking a fine line of truth or lie. Never revealing what is what, keeping the reader guessing.
But then again it also corresponds with your stories and their issues and whether or not you yourself have reconsiliated with these thoughts you put to writing?
Happy new year Rebecca.
peace
morsi
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