All this she knew.
To her - being naïve ment trusting people - seing the positive in every situation and every person on her way. She also trusted herself to an extend that left her with ease and delight. Knowing that she would make the best of every day if she wasn't disturbed by others.
But she was. Very disturbed indeed. By boyfriends. Her first one was a good guy. He had charm and down-to-earth-mentality but she got bored because he had no impressive intellect. They watched movies and had sex mostly. For almost 2 years. It was a good beginning for a 17-year old.
But after starting getting bored she began looking for other interesting objects. When not watching movies in bed with the good guy, she began spending time with a smaller boy. He was only about her height and weighed the same as her, had she not had female boobs and buttocks. Actually a little less. His self confidence was small. His "thing" was smaller. But she found him fascinating because he enjoyed using his brain. He understood her imagination better and they had weird talks and were dreaming about discovering the world.
The day she broke up with her first boyfriend, the next one was waiting for her at his home. They were 19.
After seing parts of the world together she found out how small his self confidence was. All his jealousy and controlling. In the next two years she learned how to lie to a person she loved to be able to breathe a little. Secretly she danced with guys, she flirted at parties and had interesting conversations. She even thought about other guys. To him she was a saint, the girl of his dreams and he never knew about her other life. And this was for the best, she concluded.
His controlling started to tighten. All the time she had to resist from sharing parts of her life with him and it affected her personality. She used to do crazy stuff and never worry about it. Her smile faded a bit.
Until she met a man. He was older than her. Far more intelligent than anybody she had met or heard about, experienced, seductive and powerful in any way. And then he was an artist.
She was now 21 years old and knew that it would be a good time not to get involved with a new guy. Just break up with the poor fellow and live by herself for a while. Of course she only did the first part. And the artist was waiting for her in the music studio.
He showed her a new world. Opened the door to self expression and cherishing her weird imagination so that she had no choice but to surrender to the music. She was so captivated by this man that she didn't realise what he was doing to her. His judging character made her bent over and shape in all the directions he wanted her to be with the best intentions. When she started to think about killing herself she experienced it as becoming a deeper person. Realising the meaningless of life. The loneliness. The big issues felt good inside her even though her smile was retreating to nearly nothing. She was herself becoming an artist, while friends were leaving her.
She had never trusted anybody like she trusted him. And they stayed together for 6 years. Asking him about everything she was insecure about, which was practically everything, because it was such a big world and he knew how to deal with it.
But there were so many rules. How to behave and how to react. Of course it was all some of the best ways to do things and if she had mastered the task she would have become a perfect person. To him at least and to other perfectionists. The problem was, that she was anything but a that. Her real nature was messy, distraite and unstructured. After 4 or 5 years she started thinking about being without a boyfriend for the first time in her adult life. She needed it. So they discussed it for about two years until he left the country and her.
This was when she realised how much she had missed herself. And how crying of happiness felt. How dancing her way through cooking dinner felt. How screaming hello on her bicycle to airplanes felt. And also how being alone felt.
Alone with desperation in parenthesis.
...
Rebecca
6 comments:
how does one grasp and preserve the freedom of the self whilst interacting intimately on all levels with another human being?
your tale has an interesting point; intended or not.
I look forward to reading more.
peace
morsi
The point of the tale was actually just to get rid of some thoughts stuck in me. But the theme which your question is relating to is terribly interesting and is occupying my mind a lot these days.
I don't have any answers, but today I came up with something like a recipe to finding the right partner for life.
If you need to change a lot to be able to be with the person, then it is probably not the right one for you. Of course given that you are yourself as much as possible when you meet the other person!
How is another person able tell how to be you? No?
So... I am going to find a guy with whom I can feel free with. And how does one know when this is?
It's a feeling. In the stomach as well. It just is. Don't you think?
The problem is that I am not sure it is possible to find the guy. And then we have your question poking us on the shoulder again.
Rebecca
Rebecca,
(re-posted after edit)
Love: A large part of me has become disillusioned with the meaning of that word and I wonder, from time to time, would it not have been easier to have been married at 21 and created a family and got on with it, pure and simple: hanging out for the weekends, enduring children’s birthdays and dreaming on the next acquisition that a little bit of saving on the side of nine to five Monday to Friday toil might allow, a new car? A house, a little boat?
But I was not; cast from that mold. 'She' is beautiful, the soul cannot deny that, regardless of how flippant and lusty a large part of me remains. I still struggle to keep my eyes straight when a beautiful girl walks by.
Instead I am in my 30's, djnot successful in any great way, although rather well-traveled, I have not a lot of money and I don’t know where, or how, a dream of wife and children or a life long partner as you put it Rebecca, will eventuate. I have no desire to live the life of a rambling poor playboy, wanna-be writer and photographer, forever, and yet I have every desire to do just that. Because it is easier than succumbing to other peoples real worlds, other peoples narrow views…
I am working, it is nearly 02:00 and I am less tired than I should be at this time.
Out there, all around, that big old world which I once used to fear, love, embrace, and aspire to know more deeply, still turns, but I now feel as though I am drifting, more so than hiking through it, a lot of the adventure seems to have slipped away and all I truly hope, truly, is that I can regain it, soon, for I am nothing but a shell without the passion.
You don't need to look for anything. You attract your own energy and you are well aware of this. You will feel free when you are free yourself. And yourself free will hopefully attract the right man with the same state of mind, opposite attractive in all the ways you desire too.
The last bit I just wrote - does not come with a money back voucher :) Just maybe... Just maybe..
Look forward to reading your new stuff later..
peace M
never mind type errors in the latest comment.. late..
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