This is a collection of thoughts on the thing which keeps me most busy

I used to wonder about the meaning of life. 

That was a terrible waste of time. 

At least when I realised that there weren't any answers. Not for me. 

I'm non-religious, non-political and non-alcoholic. Just a dot in the universe who randomly became a human being called Rebecca. 

Nevertheless I need to put my thoughts somewhere. And as I'm  still alive with possibly many years to come, I of course concentrate on what I want to do with my insignificant life. A safe way to make quiet days go by in a rush, because my life is an endless root system of possibilities. There is one guideline, though. 

This is all I want. To be happy. I want to be happy.

Sounds pretty simple, no? 

So many people have thought about this, and they're eagerly passing their experiences on. I used to be one who listen to them, trying to adapt it to my way of perceiving life, although it never seemed to make any difference. 

So lately I have become extremely stubborn and of course it frustrates some a great deal. 

One tells me that I need therapy. That I am digging my own hole in the ground. Poor me. 

I feel differently. Because where does happiness come from? And is there any reason to separate the types of happiness and prioritize which is best? Some call a certain kind of happiness superficial. The happiness which is based upon something outside yourself - for example another person - who makes you happy because of your positive feelings towards each other. But the day these feelings break, turning into negative feelings, you will loose your happiness. It is an unsafe kind of happiness. But while it lasts it's pretty nice, right? 

I love being happy. Whether it is superficial or from within me, so here is my plan:

Happiness is a feeling. A feeling is something I feel NOW. It is also possible to look back on feelings to recall them, but the intensity is far from when you felt it.

The same person who is watching me digging my own hole of darkness, is talking a lot about the future. He thinks I need to pull myself together and start realising that it is hard work. And usually in hard work the reward comes after. I agree to some extend, but I'm putting my horses on another place and time. I want to be happy now - at this instant - not dreaming about how my happiness will feel like in a week or a year. And because feeling is in the present it is also impossible to delay. So what do I do?

I choose it! When something bad happens, I look at it from my positive angle, I laugh, I raise my head and shrug. Because you get good at what you do the most. And if you spend time thinking about how to be happy, how to get through some messy feelings and imagining how it will make you happy in the future - this is exactly what you're going to be good at. Thinking, imagining and planning. 

And there you'll have your hard work! Because we are world champions in falling into misery. Blaming others, feeling no good and totally unable to see a way through the clouds of despair. It IS hard work to smile, when friends let you down, when what you've worked on for half a year meets no approval  or when you realise that you yourself is hard to trust. But I have a feeling that it is a matter of practise. 

To me this makes a lot of sense. 

Rebecca