This is a collection of thoughts on the thing which keeps me most busy

I used to wonder about the meaning of life. 

That was a terrible waste of time. 

At least when I realised that there weren't any answers. Not for me. 

I'm non-religious, non-political and non-alcoholic. Just a dot in the universe who randomly became a human being called Rebecca. 

Nevertheless I need to put my thoughts somewhere. And as I'm  still alive with possibly many years to come, I of course concentrate on what I want to do with my insignificant life. A safe way to make quiet days go by in a rush, because my life is an endless root system of possibilities. There is one guideline, though. 

This is all I want. To be happy. I want to be happy.

Sounds pretty simple, no? 

So many people have thought about this, and they're eagerly passing their experiences on. I used to be one who listen to them, trying to adapt it to my way of perceiving life, although it never seemed to make any difference. 

So lately I have become extremely stubborn and of course it frustrates some a great deal. 

One tells me that I need therapy. That I am digging my own hole in the ground. Poor me. 

I feel differently. Because where does happiness come from? And is there any reason to separate the types of happiness and prioritize which is best? Some call a certain kind of happiness superficial. The happiness which is based upon something outside yourself - for example another person - who makes you happy because of your positive feelings towards each other. But the day these feelings break, turning into negative feelings, you will loose your happiness. It is an unsafe kind of happiness. But while it lasts it's pretty nice, right? 

I love being happy. Whether it is superficial or from within me, so here is my plan:

Happiness is a feeling. A feeling is something I feel NOW. It is also possible to look back on feelings to recall them, but the intensity is far from when you felt it.

The same person who is watching me digging my own hole of darkness, is talking a lot about the future. He thinks I need to pull myself together and start realising that it is hard work. And usually in hard work the reward comes after. I agree to some extend, but I'm putting my horses on another place and time. I want to be happy now - at this instant - not dreaming about how my happiness will feel like in a week or a year. And because feeling is in the present it is also impossible to delay. So what do I do?

I choose it! When something bad happens, I look at it from my positive angle, I laugh, I raise my head and shrug. Because you get good at what you do the most. And if you spend time thinking about how to be happy, how to get through some messy feelings and imagining how it will make you happy in the future - this is exactly what you're going to be good at. Thinking, imagining and planning. 

And there you'll have your hard work! Because we are world champions in falling into misery. Blaming others, feeling no good and totally unable to see a way through the clouds of despair. It IS hard work to smile, when friends let you down, when what you've worked on for half a year meets no approval  or when you realise that you yourself is hard to trust. But I have a feeling that it is a matter of practise. 

To me this makes a lot of sense. 

Rebecca

Shameless World

I do not have anything, but music. 

As innocent as an animal. 

But less demanding and yet rewarding, giving, caring. 

I know the reality is empty. 

But I don't feel it, when I have music. 

I am not scared, when the tunes hold me close.

I am not stuck, when the rythm let's me go. 

It's a shameless world. In the middle of it, I lie, but not to him. 

I'm painted in his colours and wrapped up in his dreams. 

Is there something left? 

Did he leave me anything at all? 

Rebecca

Divided In Two

I am a thing. Stuffed in between other things. In the corner of the room in the forest house, which I'm going to leave tomorrow. Leave it to the rest of January, February and maybe March and April. It's the kind of house that few people like. But the ones that do - fall in love. 

I am not sad to leave it, though. I've tried leaving greater things behind. Friends, loved ones, dreams and myself.

I don't feel like going there again.  

As I woke up this morning I was overwhelmed by a fantastic feeling. Something sweet and calming. I smiled. Ran my fingers down my warm, soft body - feeling the organic shapes, feeling good. I sensed my lips, felt like kissing. 

Looking around for the cats -  very difficult in the mess of things. Found one asleep on a chair under another chair and some boxes. Motivated to get up. Listen to music. Have breakfast. Do stuff. Motivated. Inspired. Moved. 

Is this love? Is it?

Rebecca    

Special Offer: Free Ticket from Denmark to Barcelona!

I've welcomed spontaneity into my life. 

Remember the guy contacting me on the internet? 

I really tried to scare him away. Really!  

Nevertheless the third newest email in my mailbox is from Ryan Air.  

Something about a confirmation for ordering a ticket to Spain. He completely ignored how scary I was. Pulling me closer and closer. In Danish there is a joke that begins in this way. Somebody calls you over and when you get there they say; "this is how you pull a codfish to shore." And you feel like a moron. 

Maybe they have it in Spain/ England as well. He is from both places. And on Friday, on Placa Catalunya when we see each other for the first time, he will use this ridiculous phrase. 

 

And I've had 6000 parents this week. All trying to advice me. To be careful. Not to go. To go and enjoy. To think twice. Some more eager than others. 

This started to annoy me. I am like a stubborn child, who wants to decide for myself. My ex and I parted for the second time because of this. Hmmm... maybe it's the 34th time? I ignored them. And followed my heart. This guy did a hell of a job and yesterday I told my sister that I might be in love. Even without meeting him. It's crazy. I said it myself. But I suppose you can explain it by looking at how children are having imaginary friends. Same reason. Same sense of reality.

But now I don't know. Something changed yesterday. As if I noticed how empty our foundation for feeling like we've felt was. I am not desperate. I don't even want a boyfriend right now. He just got me thinking a lot. And in the end... feeling. Nice. 

Still haven't decided. Why be too rational? ;)

Rebecca 

 

Warning!

In just an evening I have learned more about myself than in all of 2007. 

And it's not pleasant.

 

How ugly I look when I'm selfish. 

How messy it get's when I'm trying to do everything by myself. 

How little I know.

How I abuse people who love me.

How lost I am. 

It is a good beginning for a new year. Only problem is that I don't feel this. 

Instead I am going to warn people about me. You should know how selfish I am. You don't see this at first. But I really am. Trust me. 

I am really sorry. Also in advance.

Rebecca